My second semester grades just came out today and I did horrible. Probably worse than I've done my entire academic career. I got 75's in both Medical Diagnosis and Pre-Calculus. I keep telling people the excuse that the tests are ridiculously hard (which is true, my MD gave his test to his cardiologist friend and he failed) but in part, it is also my fault.
I'm just so tired. Of working hard, of not getting results, of getting disappointed.
And of top of it, I'm so envious. I grow jealous of my friends who slack off and luck out with easy teachers who don't care if they don't do work. I hate myself for thinking this, but I even harbor hatred towards my best friend between she is just so lucky. She's from a rich family, her parents dote on her, she gets good grades even though she is so lazy...
I won't deny that I'm not lazy, but I won't say I'm not hardworking. I've stayed up endless nights because I cannot stand disappointing a teacher by not having the work, but what is it all for if the teacher does not acknowledge it?
I'm not even sure who I can go to for a teacher's recommendation for college and I need two.
I need to do better, and I want to. But there is just so much work, and it never seems to end.
And when I see such a bleak future, I just search for a distraction to delay the incoming fate, but it only serves to ruin me further.
Just a few weeks ago, I was excitedly searching for colleges, but now? I don't even know if I will be able to go to a good college. College, I can definitely make it, but I don't want to go to a city college, or one that everyone who slacked off in high school goes to. This might sound terrible, but if I did, what did I waste six years of my life working my ass off for?
I need to change, and I need help.
But who can help me?
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