Scars of Time

Have you ever been utterly crushed as a child?

And I don't mean breezing through non-rated beginner in a chess and then getting your ass handed to you once you become novice in chess. Even though that has happened to me countlessly. Well not really. More like once I went from novice to reserve. And that's why i quit chess, because it's too competitive for me. Well that's a little white lie as well. I also don't like it because I'm okay but not better than a lot of other people, and I lack the resources that most of my friends had to become better at chess. Meaning? A legacy of chess masters in your family, or money to pay for lessons. But if i really had a choice, I'd choose music lessons. Seriously, music > chess. I wish I knew how to play the piano. Or violin. Or guitar, but my guitar is just sitting there. Maybe it's really the disappearance of lethargy and sloth that I wish.

I just went on a long tangent, but let me get back to the point. When I was younger, I changed schools three times. Once because I moved, second because I got into the Delta Program (it's like an accelerated youth curriculum program - I don't really know what was accelerated, I'm not that smart.) And I made friends - and lost them. By the time I was in third grade and my third school, I just wasn't able to get close to anyone. Then a surge of incoming fourth graders came next year, and there was the group I wanted to be part of. All girls, all girly. Yes, I was at the age when boys were icky. Actually not really, I had started reading fics by then. But by social convention, I was supposed to pretend I thought boys were icky, so I went to the crowd that icked at the boys. And the group was all Chinese too, so i followed the racial convention as well.

But the point is that I didn't really fit in. i was annoying, aggressive, and simply an outsider though I was in the class longer. Virginia I remember...she was the one I disliked because she was best friends with Lisa, the girl I wanted to be good friends with. But it was also because our personalities clashed. And she was pretty. And skinny. The summer between third and fourth grade I had learned how to cook and my body proportions swelled like a pumpkin. Well not really, but I had gotten fat.

Anyways, despite this group of friends, I also hung out with the tomboy and her boy clique at times, as well as MS and AS next door because of chess.

And when we graduated, we lost most contact. Even then I didn't feel that we were good friends.

I dreaded middle school, but it was there that I had the best times of my life. I found a good group of friends, especially MC even though JT was my best friend. But once we graduated, once again our bonds were disappearing.

And now it's junior year. Once we graduate, we'll go to different colleges in probably different states, no longer schools of just different boroughs. So should I even bother trying mend bridges, fortify bonds and keep up with socializing when it's all going to disappear once June of next year arrives?

What Really Are Friends?

I just got into a big conflict with my friends. Well, technically it isn't big, but though I say it isn't, it's affecting me emotionally. The situation is this: one of my best friends MS invited me to go to junior prom (wow, already?) because she doesn't want to take her boyfriend. And then another friend who is also dateless wants to tag along.

There wouldn't be any problem, except that friend is AS.

MS and AS and I all went to the same elementary school, and even back then I had issues with her. They have only become amplified since high school (and I hate to bring this up as high school drama, but come on, I go to Stuy, there isn't much drama besides cat fights and nerd wars). I've been in actual fights with her and I've never really repaired the burned bridge, but she is so clueless and so full of herself that I cannot bring myself to mend the bond. Today she claimed "it takes two to tango" but it also takes two sides to be friends.

She doesn't really know that I dislike her, but I don't want to say it (not because I don't want to hurt her feelings - I don't really care at this point) but because she would argue and complain and bitch to everyone, claiming that she is in no way wrong.

AS is really smart, as in leadership positions, track team, good grades, but she lacks the attitude for me to admire her by. Yes, I admit I am jealous of a lot of people who are smarter than me, but I respect them if they have a good character, but she doesn't. No one has ever told her that her personality turns people off, her superiority complex is infuriating and even if she has a laid out road to a good future, it means nothing if you cannot learn some humility.

So, going back to the situation, I said no.

And we got into a whole argument (it was quite nonsensical. She argued that she had the right to tag along and I said she did, but she asked if she could and I said I didn't want her to. It would have been more simple to say "no, because I hate you," but I guess I just wasn't up for it. In a way, we have a love/hate relationship. I love that she likes yaoi like me, but I hate her for everything else. Including that fact that she doesn't pick up that I hate her.

And now MS thinks I'm being irrational as well, because junior prom dates aren't exclusive, since we are just going as friends, but I don't want to associate with AS and MS doesn't understand that hate can only be tolerated for so long. Especially since I already backed out of the college trip to Dartmouth and other schools once I found out AS wanted to tag along.

So I'm not exactly sure why I am upset. In a way I understand why MS thinks I'm being irrational, but at the same time, I believe my arguments are legit too.

I want to talk to people about it, but especially now, no one wants to hear about your troubles. No one cares about how you feel.

And even if there are some people willing to listen, none of them are willing to listen to me.

What Do You Do When It All Falls Apart

Reality is not kind to me.

My second semester grades just came out today and I did horrible. Probably worse than I've done my entire academic career. I got 75's in both Medical Diagnosis and Pre-Calculus. I keep telling people the excuse that the tests are ridiculously hard (which is true, my MD gave his test to his cardiologist friend and he failed) but in part, it is also my fault.

I'm just so tired. Of working hard, of not getting results, of getting disappointed.

And of top of it, I'm so envious. I grow jealous of my friends who slack off and luck out with easy teachers who don't care if they don't do work. I hate myself for thinking this, but I even harbor hatred towards my best friend between she is just so lucky. She's from a rich family, her parents dote on her, she gets good grades even though she is so lazy...

I won't deny that I'm not lazy, but I won't say I'm not hardworking. I've stayed up endless nights because I cannot stand disappointing a teacher by not having the work, but what is it all for if the teacher does not acknowledge it?

I'm not even sure who I can go to for a teacher's recommendation for college and I need two.

I need to do better, and I want to. But there is just so much work, and it never seems to end.

And when I see such a bleak future, I just search for a distraction to delay the incoming fate, but it only serves to ruin me further.

Just a few weeks ago, I was excitedly searching for colleges, but now? I don't even know if I will be able to go to a good college. College, I can definitely make it, but I don't want to go to a city college, or one that everyone who slacked off in high school goes to. This might sound terrible, but if I did, what did I waste six years of my life working my ass off for?

I need to change, and I need help.

But who can help me?