Scars of Time

Have you ever been utterly crushed as a child?

And I don't mean breezing through non-rated beginner in a chess and then getting your ass handed to you once you become novice in chess. Even though that has happened to me countlessly. Well not really. More like once I went from novice to reserve. And that's why i quit chess, because it's too competitive for me. Well that's a little white lie as well. I also don't like it because I'm okay but not better than a lot of other people, and I lack the resources that most of my friends had to become better at chess. Meaning? A legacy of chess masters in your family, or money to pay for lessons. But if i really had a choice, I'd choose music lessons. Seriously, music > chess. I wish I knew how to play the piano. Or violin. Or guitar, but my guitar is just sitting there. Maybe it's really the disappearance of lethargy and sloth that I wish.

I just went on a long tangent, but let me get back to the point. When I was younger, I changed schools three times. Once because I moved, second because I got into the Delta Program (it's like an accelerated youth curriculum program - I don't really know what was accelerated, I'm not that smart.) And I made friends - and lost them. By the time I was in third grade and my third school, I just wasn't able to get close to anyone. Then a surge of incoming fourth graders came next year, and there was the group I wanted to be part of. All girls, all girly. Yes, I was at the age when boys were icky. Actually not really, I had started reading fics by then. But by social convention, I was supposed to pretend I thought boys were icky, so I went to the crowd that icked at the boys. And the group was all Chinese too, so i followed the racial convention as well.

But the point is that I didn't really fit in. i was annoying, aggressive, and simply an outsider though I was in the class longer. Virginia I remember...she was the one I disliked because she was best friends with Lisa, the girl I wanted to be good friends with. But it was also because our personalities clashed. And she was pretty. And skinny. The summer between third and fourth grade I had learned how to cook and my body proportions swelled like a pumpkin. Well not really, but I had gotten fat.

Anyways, despite this group of friends, I also hung out with the tomboy and her boy clique at times, as well as MS and AS next door because of chess.

And when we graduated, we lost most contact. Even then I didn't feel that we were good friends.

I dreaded middle school, but it was there that I had the best times of my life. I found a good group of friends, especially MC even though JT was my best friend. But once we graduated, once again our bonds were disappearing.

And now it's junior year. Once we graduate, we'll go to different colleges in probably different states, no longer schools of just different boroughs. So should I even bother trying mend bridges, fortify bonds and keep up with socializing when it's all going to disappear once June of next year arrives?

What Really Are Friends?

I just got into a big conflict with my friends. Well, technically it isn't big, but though I say it isn't, it's affecting me emotionally. The situation is this: one of my best friends MS invited me to go to junior prom (wow, already?) because she doesn't want to take her boyfriend. And then another friend who is also dateless wants to tag along.

There wouldn't be any problem, except that friend is AS.

MS and AS and I all went to the same elementary school, and even back then I had issues with her. They have only become amplified since high school (and I hate to bring this up as high school drama, but come on, I go to Stuy, there isn't much drama besides cat fights and nerd wars). I've been in actual fights with her and I've never really repaired the burned bridge, but she is so clueless and so full of herself that I cannot bring myself to mend the bond. Today she claimed "it takes two to tango" but it also takes two sides to be friends.

She doesn't really know that I dislike her, but I don't want to say it (not because I don't want to hurt her feelings - I don't really care at this point) but because she would argue and complain and bitch to everyone, claiming that she is in no way wrong.

AS is really smart, as in leadership positions, track team, good grades, but she lacks the attitude for me to admire her by. Yes, I admit I am jealous of a lot of people who are smarter than me, but I respect them if they have a good character, but she doesn't. No one has ever told her that her personality turns people off, her superiority complex is infuriating and even if she has a laid out road to a good future, it means nothing if you cannot learn some humility.

So, going back to the situation, I said no.

And we got into a whole argument (it was quite nonsensical. She argued that she had the right to tag along and I said she did, but she asked if she could and I said I didn't want her to. It would have been more simple to say "no, because I hate you," but I guess I just wasn't up for it. In a way, we have a love/hate relationship. I love that she likes yaoi like me, but I hate her for everything else. Including that fact that she doesn't pick up that I hate her.

And now MS thinks I'm being irrational as well, because junior prom dates aren't exclusive, since we are just going as friends, but I don't want to associate with AS and MS doesn't understand that hate can only be tolerated for so long. Especially since I already backed out of the college trip to Dartmouth and other schools once I found out AS wanted to tag along.

So I'm not exactly sure why I am upset. In a way I understand why MS thinks I'm being irrational, but at the same time, I believe my arguments are legit too.

I want to talk to people about it, but especially now, no one wants to hear about your troubles. No one cares about how you feel.

And even if there are some people willing to listen, none of them are willing to listen to me.

What Do You Do When It All Falls Apart

Reality is not kind to me.

My second semester grades just came out today and I did horrible. Probably worse than I've done my entire academic career. I got 75's in both Medical Diagnosis and Pre-Calculus. I keep telling people the excuse that the tests are ridiculously hard (which is true, my MD gave his test to his cardiologist friend and he failed) but in part, it is also my fault.

I'm just so tired. Of working hard, of not getting results, of getting disappointed.

And of top of it, I'm so envious. I grow jealous of my friends who slack off and luck out with easy teachers who don't care if they don't do work. I hate myself for thinking this, but I even harbor hatred towards my best friend between she is just so lucky. She's from a rich family, her parents dote on her, she gets good grades even though she is so lazy...

I won't deny that I'm not lazy, but I won't say I'm not hardworking. I've stayed up endless nights because I cannot stand disappointing a teacher by not having the work, but what is it all for if the teacher does not acknowledge it?

I'm not even sure who I can go to for a teacher's recommendation for college and I need two.

I need to do better, and I want to. But there is just so much work, and it never seems to end.

And when I see such a bleak future, I just search for a distraction to delay the incoming fate, but it only serves to ruin me further.

Just a few weeks ago, I was excitedly searching for colleges, but now? I don't even know if I will be able to go to a good college. College, I can definitely make it, but I don't want to go to a city college, or one that everyone who slacked off in high school goes to. This might sound terrible, but if I did, what did I waste six years of my life working my ass off for?

I need to change, and I need help.

But who can help me?

Even as I grow, I never leave my childhood

It's been a long week, but finally I find time to post again. There is so much I wish to say at all times, but I guess since this is a blog in which there are no deadlines, no expectations, I can take my time.

Last time I told about fanfiction. So I found a meme. I'm not sure who made it, but I do not own it.

Do you read or write fanfiction?
Both.

When did you first start reading/writing fanfiction?
I started very, very early in my childhood. It's a bit scary, I remember the very first fanfic I read was on a floppy disk. A floppy disk! Now that I think of it...I feel old. The fanfic was saved onto it by my brother. Yup, my brother introduced me to fanfics. Of course, I don't think it was his intention to first introduce me to yuri...

But that might have been one of the reasons why I think I might be bisexual.

It is definitely the reason that makes me a huge fan of yaoi though.

I keep diverging...going back to the original question, I was...maybe in 3rd or 4th grade.

What was your first fandom?
The very first fic I read was in the Digimon fandom...but then I slowly expanded to Hunter X Hunter and Naruto.

First ship?
The first pairing I read was probably Yolei/Kari, but I didn't really ship them. I can't really remember my first pairing, I think it was a het one though. I think my first yaoi pairing was Kuroro/Kurapika...

What website do you use most?
Fanfiction.net, but I occasionally read from LiveJournal.

What do you think of Fanfiction.net?
I love the site. It was what introduced me to the world of fanfiction. I dislike using LJ because it is very hard to find stories, and I've never been fond of tags...(but I will try using them now since it's my own blog and I should try to organize it. Even though I guess I can say I'm a veteran on FFN after using it for so many years, I've never really participated much in the forums or communities. I like how it is becoming more and more easier to search for fics though.

What fandoms have you written in?
I have written in Naruto, Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Naruto xover Harry Potter, Death Note, DN Angel, Bakuman, and Pokemon. The first story I wrote was Hunter X Hunter, but I have already removed the story. But I guess it still counts as something I've written.
Pairings?
Pairings huh...I've always meant to write SasuNaru for a friend but I didn't. I've written the most for D18 (DinoHiba!!<3) style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; ">
Any fandoms you would like to write in?
Well...let's just say at one point I've wanted to write in every fandom I was obsessing over at that moment.

Do reviews affect how you write in any way?
To be completely honest, reviews are very important to me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel proud and elated when people review me. I know I personally dislike authors that beg for reviews, so I don't do it, but every review does make me happy. I love it more when readers ask me questions because I feel I can connect with them more and it tells me that they are actually interested in my story.

Do you use a beta?
I hadn't, but recently I just got one.

What ratings do you read/write?
I read from every rating, but I have never written anything rated M. At one point I did, but then I realize I was just being naive. I wouldn't mind writing M, but I know that despite reading so many, I'll just sound very inexperienced.

What warnings have you used on your fiction?

I've warned for OOC, randomness and other stuff. Usually pretty safe stuff. I'm not fond of character death, or torture or rape (though it gets interesting to read when I'm in the mood).

Do you have any squicks?

I have a lot. One of the main things is Mary Sue's. It's hypocritical because I had one when I first started writing, but I think it's some established rule for all writers to go through a phase that involves a self-insertment or Mary Sue before they become better at writing.

Do you Role-play online? If so, what?
Nope. I wanted to try, but I've never been good with forum-like things.

Have you ever stolen something from another person's work?
Besides the original creator, no. I admit that some of my ideas have been inspired by the works of others though. But they will never be a copy of another's hard work.

Favorite fandom to write/read?
Favorite fandom...probably Naruto because even though I've stopped following it, I've read it for so long, it's always a fandom I can turn back to when I get bored or lost.

Favorite pairing?
D18. Definitely.

Favorite writer/writers?
Ahh...favorite writers are: Lynn Viehl and Tamora Pierce. I guess Lynn Viehl represents me as a teenager/adult and Tamora Pierce as a child/teenager. My best friend is introducing me to Neil Gaiman though, so I might soon have a new favorite.

How long should a chapter be?
I try to make it over 1000 words at least, and I guess my average is around 2000-3000, but I usually just end it where I think it falls naturally. Of course, I'm quite fond of cliffhangers too :>

Do you write/read drabbles?
I like writing them more than reading, just because I feel that I can't get much of the story out of a drabble. But it's a good exercise for writing so I do it. I'm okay with reading the drabble if it's just a brief humor or fluff though. Makes me feel bubbly inside.

Any fandoms you avoid?
Well...I avoid the fandoms I don't know? And if I hated a fandom...I probably wouldn't get to know it in the first place.

Pairings you avoid?
Oh, lots. Especially if they interfere with with my favorite pairing. The one I avoid the most is 6918.

Warnings you avoid?
I don't really avoid, considering I'm pretty open-minded. I usually notice the warning, then read it to make my own decision. I'll continue if I'm okay with it.

Do the number of reviews tell how good a story is?
I know I should say no, but inside, I know that I would pick a story that has more reviews over less. Of course...I don't get that much reviews either, so I shouldn't be talking.

What do you think of Mary Sues?
I dislike them.

I enjoy OCs that are actually good characters, but I'm not fond of Mary Sues in general.

Have you ever flamed someone?
Of course not. I'd be hurt if I got flamed, so how can I do the same? Of course...I rarely leave reviews too...

Have you ever been flamed?
Yes, the very first story I put up was HXH. I was around 10, so when the person blatantly said my story was "unoriginal," I took down the story and moped for about two years, slowing drifting to other fandoms, reading more to gain experience then posted another story. I'm glad that flame never made me quit FFN all-together though.

Hmm...I'd love to write more...but I have way too much work. Next time, I guess!

The First Words Make the First Impression

I suppose this will be my first post, in which I am supposed to explain - to who? - my reasons for starting this blog. I have experimented with other blogs before, and I was never successful. Partially because I have a lack of commitment, partially because I have qualms about posting personal anecdotes onto the internet, but mainly because I have friends who read my posts. It isn't that I dislike their opinion, but once I know they can read what I write, it becomes less of me chronicling my life, and more of me putting up a barrier, screening what I want to really say, so they'll think differently of me.

So, to be brief, I won't be telling anyone about this blog. Also, I will not reveal any personal information about myself, though I might reflect on my life deeply.

And I wonder who is actually reading this.

Let me introduce myself. I am a seventeen year old girl, currently enrolled in the most competitive high school in New York City, and struggling to maintain my grades, find a meaning in life, and get into college. I don't have many hobbies, most were killed off because of my intense schoolwork. As of now, I do know that I enjoy Japanese-related things, writing fanfiction, and cooking. But I wonder how long these will last.

Writing has always been something enjoyable for me - hence this blog. But my main direction for it is fanfiction, and it is something that I do not proudly tell other people, simply because they tend to turn down their nose when they realize it's oh, fanfiction.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and it's something that I can pour my feelings into, and weave it into characters that I have already fallen in love with, and play with them. It is almost like a simulation game (like Harvest Moon, which I really like), except the way you can manipulate everything is limitless.

I feel as if I am about to faint on my bed, thank god it is a Friday. Time to crash. If I remember, I will post again